For many years, I have been writing about my journey from unconsciousness into enlightenment. In the creation of me, there was nothing left out. At birth, I was given the right to choose a lifetime of joy. I also was born into the human race, where conditions are not always joyful.

I was never told I was a person of value. Discovering I was magnificent for no reason was not part of my family’s consciousness. I believed I had to accomplish things and please others to earn love and feel deserving.

My family situation was volatile. Everyone fought for recognition and survival by yelling and arguing. To me it was a war zone in which I never felt safe. There was much discussion about God as a religious concept which you either believed in or didn't, but mostly didn’t.

I made life changing decisions based on family, environment, pier pressure, social behaviors and all the craziness surrounding me leading to a dysfunctional belief system.

It didn’t take long for me to forget about my natural ability to experience truth, love and joy. I began to substitute a different set of values bringing me further away from my natural Self. Fear and unhappiness captured my life.

Before I knew it, I became so humiliated by who I thought I was, and my need to look perfect was so strong that I developed a fine tuned act to disguise my low self esteem. On the outside, I looked very different from how I was thinking and feeling about myself on the inside.

As a child I was an "in your face" kind of personality. Like many people, I believed that just because I thought something, it was so. I made up so much "stuff" about everything, based on false information, much of my life became a lie. Where there is a lie, there is no consciousness. Inwardly, I sank deeper and deeper into what I judged to be the very worst part of myself. In my head, my thoughts were: "I'm not good enough, I can't do this, nobody likes me".  My feelings were always based in these fears. My body sensations were painful and devastating eventually leading to a life threatening disease. I lived in a fantasy world to protect me from living in the eye of the hurricane.

On the outside, my family appeared to be normal and I pretended to be okay.

I put up a very fearless front. And I got better and better at it as the years went by. To hide my fears I was a tomboy playing with snakes and bugs. I studied elocution and drama and performed before many people from age six on. I became an all around athlete and pretended to be courageous through my teen years.

Art was always an important part of my background. I used it wherever I could to get by.

I was educated mostly in the streets of Brooklyn, New York where I found a safe haven outside the madness that was going on in my house.

My older brother, who I looked up to, mostly tormented me. My mother had half an eye on the belt she used as discipline. My father mentored me with Shakespeare, poetry and fascinating stories about his ascension from poverty to middle class. Classical music, opera, broadway shows and museums were available to me. Mostly, I chose the outdoors where I learned my survival skills.

My education was fairly normal, grade school and high school were unexceptional. I was lazy, unmotivated and very average. But I always seemed to get by. It wasn't until college, when I began to question human behavior, that I became excited with the prospect of change.

I got married and had two children, still pretending I lived a perfect life, knowing internally this was not so. One day it took a magical moment of awareness to admit that all was not well in my world and that I did not want to live the rest of my life that way. In that moment I knew I had to take action to begin the process of change. I would have to be willing to experience the pain associated with transformation which was different from the pain I was already experiencing from my own deceit.

I spent two years in analysis, did drugs, studied Science of the Mind, got involved with est, Siddha Yoga in the United States and India, self realization processes and techniques, studied for my masters in psychology, all the while chipping away at the facade I so carefully constructed to protect myself. The more I uncovered, the closer I came to my true self.

I studied and came in close contact with people who were outgoing enough to become gurus and celebrities in the field of humanistic studies and awareness. Mostly, these people weren’t self realized enough or did not surround themselves with enlightened enough people to set an example of their teachings. Eventually, either their courses of study fell apart or were taken over by others who were intellectually, politically or monetarily motivated. I never let any of this adversity affect me as I was always more interested in the material than the politics. I believed If I lived on a mountaintop surrounded by people who made sure that all my needs were fulfilled, I would do nothing but impart my brilliance to the world. But such was not the case.  Believed I was an ordinary person living an extraordinary life.

In my search for "the truth", I sank to my lowest ebb when I was diagnosed with a stage five cancer and I had to fight to the death for survival. This forced me into the ultimate acceptance of personal responsibility. If I could create cancer, then I could create not having cancer. I chose to live and I am a twenty five year cancer survivor.

Now I have a passion for life. I do many things to heal myself and live in the moment. I have an appreciation for everything around me. I treasure my relationships and the joy they bring me. I cherish the moments spent in conversation and play. I try not to indulge in small talk and gossip. I am more interested in the spiritual results of exploring the human condition.


I have transformed my old beliefs from judgments to creative thoughts. My feelings are inconsequential to what is so or the truth. I make everything okay by choosing and accepting.
I forgive those I‘ve made martyrs of by thanking and honoring them for the gifts they gave me. I’ve let go of my old unreasonable fears, my feelings of unworthiness and guilt by allowing them to be my heroes and mentors. I get the ultimate joke when I forgive myself by accepting my true value and seeing the "so what" of every situation and circumstance surrounding me.

I believe I have finally returned to my lost beginnings when I first entered this world with an innocent appreciation and a knowledge of  how amazing I truly am. I allow the child in me to stop reacting to outside forces and be joyful and playful so I can always choose my own magnificence.